i hardly log on this thing and hardly ever write any blogs but here i go tonight.

its like 2 30 am and i have a class in like.. 7 hrs.. not even 7 hrs.. AND i have a mother fukin test. and im sitting here writing this stupid blog instead of studying or going to sleep.

ever since this sem started ive been living my days so busy.. not enough sleep.. not enough eating.. not enough seeing my friends.. not enough of everything and enough of school.. enough of working.. enough of studying.. and way tooooo much of starbucks.. speaking of starbucks.. they should seriously reward me for coming there and getting coffee 2 or 3 times a day.. i feel like half of my paycheck goes to starrbucks.. hmm thats a lie.. 1/3 of my paycheck actually..

so on weekdays.. i go to school and work every single day.. that equals to lack of sleep.. lack of food.. etc.. etc.. so on the weekends, i eat and sleep.. thats ALL i do.. i think thats y im prolly more tensed.. and irritated.. and stressed out.. cuz i used to go out and get DRUNK on the weekends.. and it kinda help me to release all my stresses from school and work.. but now that im getting too OLD and TIRED i can't do that anymore.. so i havent been letting my stresses out lately.. o i have.. my bf has been getting all my bitchings and complainings.. poor guy.. i really need to do something about this.. but i can't give up on school.. i really can't give up on making money.. because.. i LOVE shopping.. and i just bought a new car.. so gotta pay my bill.. god damn it~! AWERWEAwdsflksjdf;aowejk alkfjeslfk3 im so stressed out.. i think imma go drinking this weekend.. prolly get drunk.. i really need that this week...

too many things on my mind. i just wanted to vent it out.

i have two options. i dunno which one i should choose. either way i know ill be happy. both of them are something that ive really really wanted. now that i can actually have them, i can't. i can't make a decision. i dunno whats right and wrong. and i dont want to end up regretting in the future. i might end up thinking like.. this would have been better.. that would have been better. only if i did this.. that.. but who knows what the future brings us? we live in lives that we have no idea what would happen in the next second, minute, hour.. how would we know what would happen after 4,5 years?

my life is pretty mellow nowadays.. which is good.. i seriously needed that.. drama-free.. im loving my life right now.. altho i sometimes feel lonely.. but my friends are always there to listen.. i had been neglecting my friends for about.. 4 years. because i was so caught up in those so-called relationships.. i only sought them whenever i needed their advice.. only when i had problems.. only when i was mad.. only when i was crying.. i never really spent this kinda time with them as i do right now.. and i feel like im finding myself.. and im actually bonding with myself and my friends..

so i think this person is mad at me right now.. he claims that i disrespect him.. he claims that im playing games with him.. he claims that i have an attitude... but for what?? ok.. i may seem like i disrepect him and have an attitude towards him.. because.. i think he DESERVES it.. but playing game part? i dont think so.. i only like to play those games with people that im somewhat interested in and i somewhat have feelings for.. y would i play game with him when i dont have any of them? i dont call him because i dont care or bother to call him up.. and thats playing games? i dont go looking for him at the clubs because i dont see y i should.. and thats playing games? ridiculous huh?

so corey and i still keep in touch.. i only met him once since we broke up.. i just keep myself too busy to actually make any plans to meet him up.. and when i have time, hes busy, when he has time, im busy.. well for the first time in a while.. we talked for a while tonight.. altho things didnt work out too well for us.. we both still like each other.. miss each other.. have feelings for each other.. but i want to be single.. i like being single.. like i told him tonight.. i never stopped and looked back the past for 4 years.. now is the time for me to find myself.. get myself together.. and take a break..... but.. i wonder.. y did he keep asking me if i like being single? if i like this better?? i wonder..if whatever happened never happened between us.. would things have been better?? i dunno.. all i know is.. i just like how it is...

so im talking to this dude right now.. hes cool..he aight.. hes funny.. he makes me laugh.. i can totally be myself when i talk to him.. which is cool.. but.. im drawing a line between him and me.. im not taking this any farther.. not only him but with any guys.. i regret the fact that i never really stopped dating guys cuz i never really had a chance to figure out what kinda guy i wanted.. ive learned to control my feelings.. n i guess i learned that to use in times like this..

i just have too much shit on my mind right now.. i dont really know where to start off and what to write first.. but who cares.. no one really reads this and i dont have to worry about being careful what to write and not anyways..

first, i want to vent about my mom.. nuthing bad about her at all.. i just feel so sorry for her and bad for her.. cus her older brother who's my uncle passed away like 3 years ago and she only found out about it today.. she was crying so much.. and i never saw her crying for about 10 years i think... and because shes living in hawaii.. far away from her sisters.. she must be feeling more sad.. i wish i could do something.. like.. buy her tickets to go to korea so she can visit her family and stuff.. but im not there yet.. maybe when i have a job and when i get older, i would do everything for her.. some of people that i know.. esp. this guy named corey, who happens to be my bf doesnt really think that i care about my parents nor love them.. but whatever.. i love my parents more than anything in this world.. i care about them to the death.. i would do anything for them.. i would even die for them if i had to.. they have been putting up so much shit for me and i can never thank them enough for that.. i mean.. i know that my parents love me so much and care about me so much.. and i would never ever ever do anything to disappoint them and make them sad anymore.. i just hope one day i can show them my love.. altho they probably know that i do love them to the death already...

second... this guy corey.. hmm.. i don't know.. i don't even know why im with this guy.. he had told me how his ex gfs treated him and did all the shit to him and stuff.. but i kinda do understand why they did that to him.. maybe he fukin deserved it?? i dont even know y im even worrying and thinking about him right now.. i shouldnt even let it bother me anymore.. and yet, i can't help it.. the more im with him.. the more i think of tyler.. and what he did for me.. not that im saying i want to go back out with tyler but.. its just that i finally realized theres not many guys like tyler out there.. but what can i do now?? nuthing.. exactly.. corey told me last night that he thinks that if he'd stop calling me then i would stop calling him.. altho i told him i wouldn't, im so sure that i would.. because he hasnt brought that much great impact in my life.. he hasnt become anything and anyone importand in my life.. more like.. he became less important.. but i guess thats kinda good in a way because im getting stronger and more independant.. right now.. i really don't care if this relationship ends right here.. right now.. too bad he couldnt really see what a good gf i could be.. and what i could do for him.. too bad that we couldnt really have all the good memories that we could have had.. but im sure there's someone better for me.. im sure god is training me again to become a better person and to teach me something..

third.. i decided to go to church every thursday and sunday like i used to a long time ago.. i mean.. honestly.. i want to go to heaven after i die.. haha.. and i really do want to become a better person.. ive been doing so many bad things and been saying so many bad things and been feeling so much hatred towards some people.. i think im just gonna try to become a nicer yun..

well thats about it for tonight.. there are a lot more things that i want to vent out.. but im getting really tired of typing and have a headache... so i should go to bed already... nite nite~